


Come To Me

by sundaycandy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, and i dont know anymore, but i really don't know anymore, but then i got to a certain point, i thought i knew what the endgame was, i was planning on making jaspis endgame, love triangle/square kind of thing, so whatever you want will happen ig
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 21:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7818409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundaycandy/pseuds/sundaycandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis hasn't seen Jasper in years. She thought she'd finally gotten over the other girl, was moving on, maybe even with her roommate Peridot, until Jasper comes back. Now she has no idea what she's doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Return

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! In case you didn't notice the tags, ORIGINALLY, when I first got the idea for this, Jaspis was the endgame, no ifs ands or buts. Then, however, I got to a certain chapter and I kind of fell a little bit in love with Lapidot, especially in the context of this story, and I really don't know what to do now. So, fyi, if you have a particular preference that you would be so inclined as to share with me, I'd be happy to take your opinions into consideration. Happy reading!

The day Jasper returned to Lapis was a day that would remain burned in Lapis’s memory as the beginning of her life. 

There was a knock on the door of the loft she shared with Peridot. They were both in the living room, Peridot sitting loosely on one end of the couch, reading, hands absently combing through the hair of Lapis, whose head was resting comfortably in her lap. Peridot’s eyebrows knitted together as Lapis opened her eyes and looked up at her. 

“Are you expecting anyone?”

“No,” Lapis answered with a tone of concern, “I suppose that means you’re not either?”

Peridot shook her head. Lapis sighed, standing and stretching her arms. “I’ll get it.”

When Lapis opened the door, however, she was not at all prepared for what she was going to see on the other side. Who she was going to see. Her breath caught in her throat, and she heard Peridot’s gasp from where she had been waiting to see who was at the door. 

“Jasper.” 

Her ex-girlfriend was exactly as she remembered her. Long, thick blonde hair, light brown skin with patches of ivory visible on her face and arms, golden eyes and rippling muscles, towering over her at six feet tall. She wore a loose PINK t-shirt and a corresponding pair of joggers. 

She was the last person Lapis ever expected to see again, not after 26 missed calls (from both sides, eventually) and three years. Not after a year-and-a-half-long bout of depression and severe trust issues. Not after she finally moved on. Not after she was finally starting to let everyone back in. Not after she was finally letting Peridot in. 

“Hi, Lapis. Uh . . . can we talk?” 

Lapis turned around and saw Peridot, mouth hanging open in a perfect O shape. She said nothing. Lapis turned back, face expressionless, immediately shifting into the mask she’d worn for so long after Jasper left. 

“Fine. In the hall.” She stepped forward and closed the apartment door behind her. She crossed her arms, one eyebrow raised, waiting. 

Jasper coughed into her hand. “Listen, Lapis, I know I didn’t really warn you or anything before I came, but I just got back into town, and I –I had to see you.”

“After three years of silence? For what?”

“I didn’t –you have to understand I didn’t want that silence. It wasn’t my intention for anything that happened with us to happen the way it did.”

“Then you shouldn’t have let it end the way it did.”

“That’s the thing, Lapis; I don’t want it to be the end.”

Lapis gasped. “You can’t be serious.” 

“I am completely serious, Lap. I have thought about you every day since I left. I can’t bear to live the rest of my life without you.” There was a long moment where neither of them said anything, and then, “I know you have every reason to say no. But . . . I’m hoping there’s still a reason to say yes. I’m back in town for an indefinite period of time, potentially permanently. My number’s still the same, if there is a reason.” She chewed her lip. “I’ve got to go, but hopefully I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

Jasper turned and walked down the stairs, disappearing from Lapis’s view. Lapis leaned back against the door, head spinning, mask dropping. Images whirled through her mind, memories of a four-year relationship that felt like a lifetime. A first meeting in a discarded section of a library, days and nights spent laughing, watching TV, exploring, so dizzyingly happy Lapis thought (hoped) it would never end. 

Until it did. Until a jealous, vindictive one-night stand told Lapis everything. Until Jasper got a job offer in New York City and they didn’t have the time to do or say or resolve anything. Until they were both too busy to answer the phone when the other got around to calling. Until, eventually, they just let the silence hang and stretch into years.

Until Lapis finally closed the door on a no-closure situation and found healthy ways of coping. Until she didn’t need to cope anymore. Until she was okay. 

Until this. 

She finally pulled herself together and went back inside. Peridot was looking at her, face expressing extreme levels of worry. “Lapis, what just happened?”

“I don’t . . . exactly . . . know,” she replied slowly. 

“Are you okay?”

“Not quite.”

“What did she want?”

Lapis breathed in. Part of letting down her walls was telling the truth. “She wanted to see me.”

There was a moment of silence. “Oh.”

Lapis heard the concern, the potential of hurt in Peridot’s voice. Lapis didn’t know what to do. “I’m gonna go see Garnet, okay? I need to talk to her about some things.” 

“Yeah, no I get it, that’s fine. See ya later?”

“Yeah, I shouldn’t be gone too long Per.” 

She grabbed her purse, keys and phone, and then slipped into a pair of flats before leaving. She shot Garnet a text on her way downstairs. Jasper’s back. I’m omw to your place.

It buzzed a response as she was starting the car. Okay. 

She stopped at a convenience store on the way, picking up a can of sweet tea and a pack of chewing gum, two things usually pretty good for settling her Lapinerves. 

Garnet and Pearl’s house was across town, a bit of a drive, but Lapis had a tendency to enjoy car rides. She turned up some inane pop song and tried not to think too much about what had just occurred. When she got to the well-kept old house on Sycamore Street, she was almost on autopilot. 

Pearl answered the door with a sympathetic smile. “Hello, Lapis. Come in. Garnet’s just finishing up dinner.”

Lapis returned the smile, not feeling it. “Is Steven home?”

“No, he’s out with Connie for the day.”

Lapis nodded, relieved. Steven was the child Pearl and Garnet had adopted as a baby when it was discovered shortly after his birth his mother had a terminal disease. She had been a good friend of Pearl and Garnet’s, and his father wasn’t quite in the position, financially or emotionally, to raise a child. He was a bright, happy boy and Lapis wasn’t sure how to deal with so much happy right now, though she loved Steven dearly.

Garnet looked over when she entered, pouring a jar of spaghetti sauce over a pot of pasta. “Get some food. You always forget to eat when you’re stressed.”

Lapis nodded, accepting the bowl of spaghetti placed in front of her, although she didn’t feel hunger. She ate robotically as Garnet and Pearl sat across from her. Garnet took Pearl’s hand, leaned over and whispered something inaudible to Lapis’s ear. Pearl nodded and stood, gathering her dinner before retreating out of sight up the staircase. 

Lapis and Garnet regarded each other for a moment. Garnet had a large, thick afro and mismatched eyes; one was an amber color and one was sparkling blue. She was wearing a red tank-top and a black pair of shorts. “So, what exactly happened?” she asked in a calm voice. 

“I honestly don’t really know. I had no idea she was even back in town, haven’t talked to her since she left. She just showed up at my door and said she wanted to talk, so I did. I think . . . Garnet, I think she wants to get back together.” 

“And what do you want?”

“I don’t know. She told me she’ll be in town for the foreseeable future, and that I should call her if I want to.”

Garnet didn’t reply, simply looked at her, waiting. 

“I miss her.” 

“Yes, I imagine you do,” said Garnet quietly, a tone of profound understanding in her voice, “but does that mean you really want to see her? Are you interested in getting back together with her after everything?”

“I –I don’t know. But it’s . . . possible.” 

“There are many possibilities in life, Lapis. What matters is what we choose. For example, your choice between calling or not calling.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

Garnet cleared her throat. “How does Peridot feel about this?”

“She –she doesn’t really know. Only that Jasper came and that she talked to me. I didn’t know what to tell her.” 

“How are you feeling right now?”

“Conflicted. My first urge is to call her, right now. To go right back and just have everything we used to have. To feel that nauseating, childlike happiness again. But I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to get hurt like that ever again. And I don’t want to hurt Peridot. I know she cares about me.”

 

Garnet leaned back, arm resting behind her on the chair. “Listen, you have to do what is ultimately best for you. Peridot might be hurt at first, but she’ll be alright. The difference is, if you decide not to take a chance on a girl whom, I might remind you, you once believed to be the love of your life, you might be unhappy forever. Of course, alternatively, if you take a leap of faith and turn out to be wrong, you’ll set yourself back a few years in healing.” 

Lapis groaned. “That doesn’t help me at all.” 

“This is a decision you have to make your own. For now, the best thing you can do is at least talk to her. See what else she has to say. And, for God’s sake, tell Peridot the truth. You do more harm by lying.”

Lapis nodded, finishing off her bowl of spaghetti. “I’ll call her tonight.” 

“Good.” Garnet stood, clearing away their dishes. 

“I should probably be going now. Peridot’s likely anxious out of her mind.”

“Now you’re using your noggin. Goodbye.”

Lapis waved and shouted a goodbye to Pearl, who was still upstairs. 

“Oh, leaving so soon?” Garnet’s wife asked, leaning around the corner of the landing after a minute. 

“Yes, I think I have some things to take care of.”

“Oh, alright then. Goodbye, Lapis.”

When Lapis returned to the loft, it was to the sight of Peridot pacing holes in the floorboards, holding her hands behind her back. She froze at the sound of the door, looking up at her through her metal-frame glasses. Lapis sighed. My Peridot. She shook her head. It was unfair to be having those kinds of thoughts when she was even considering maybe potentially getting back together with Jasper. 

“Hello,” said Peridot awkwardly. 

“We need to talk.”

Peridot sat down on the couch without a word. 

“Jasper . . . she wants to get back together.”

Peridot looked as if all the wind had been knocked out of her, all her worst nightmares confirmed. “Do you want to?”

Lapis chewed her lip. “I don’t really know. I guess she’s gonna be in town for awhile. She wants me to call her.”

“Oh.”

“Peridot . . . I’m going to.”

“Oh.”

“I need to know what she has to say.”

“I understand.”

Lapis searched Peridot’s lime-green eyes. They were anxious and sad. 

“I uh –I need to sort some things out,” said Lapis awkwardly. She retreated to her bedroom, trying not to think about those eyes. 

She unlocked her cell phone, sliding through her contacts list until she came to the Js. She realized for a moment that Jasper hadn’t stopped to ask her if she had even kept her number, she just assumed she would have.

Well, she was right. 

Okay. I want to talk to you. Time and place?

The reply came almost instantly. Tomorrow. Foster’s, noon. 

I’ll be there. 

Lapis took a deep breath in, praying she wasn’t making a mistake.


	2. Glass-Covered Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper and Lapis see each other. Chapter title is taken from a poem by Rumi.

Jasper couldn’t describe the intense mix of relief and worry she felt when Lapis agreed to see her. Relieved, because at least she had a shot. Worried, because what if she blew it? She’d already done it once.

There was a several-point-timeline of mistakes that led to the ultimate end of her relationship with Lapis, all of which were hers. First, the girl. A stupid, irrelevant girl who had been so extremely not worth it that it killed Jasper to recall. And then, taking the job. A thousand miles away, a completely different time-zone, had she seriously been so thoughtless as to imagine their relationship could be fixed from so far away? No, she hadn’t been, but she was lost and ashamed and too young to know better. And then she just . . . let Lapis go. Told her self that Lapis would be far better without her. That the time and distance would let her heal.

She should’ve stayed. She should’ve stayed and done everything in her power to keep Lapis at her side.

She had been talking to her little sister, Amethyst, who still ran in the same circle as Lapis and kept in friendly contact. Amethyst said she was living with a girl named Peridot now, who had become her new roommate when she graduated shortly before Jasper left and eventually integrated into the friend-group that consisted of Lapis, Bismuth, Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst. Now, Amethyst told her, things had begun to shift into something more between them. From what she understood, they had an unusual bond that Lapis had relied on when she left, because she was the only one who didn’t know and wasn’t friends with Jasper. Originally, when she heard the news, she broke one of Amethyst’s picture-frames.

Now, Jasper might’ve lost her. For all Jasper knew they were in a committed relationship that Lapis had no intention of leaving, and she was only meeting with her to break the news softly.

She had to hope, though. The last three years had been excruciating. She could not deny the fact that Lapis was the love of her life. There had been flings with other girls in New York, but none of them made her feel anything remotely close to the way Lapis had, no matter how hard she tried.

In the morning, she woke up three hours before she had to meet Lapis at a local café they had frequented during college on dates. She let her hair hang loose, knowing Lapis preferred it that way. She dressed in a soft orange shirt and black leggings with a matching pair of Nikes.

She got there early, knowing Lapis appreciated punctuality. She ordered herself coffee and Lapis a hot chocolate, knowing the other girl couldn’t stand the taste of coffee. She arrived shortly thereafter, also a few minutes early. Jasper had to contain herself when she saw her.

She found her amongst the crowd and quiet murmur of the coffeeshop at lunchtime, and came and sat across from her, taking the cup intended for her. “Thank you,” she mumbled.

“No problem. Least I could do,” she replied quietly, waving her hand away. She took a deep breath in. “Listen, I know we have a lot of unresolved issues. I want –even if there’s no chance we could ever get back together, I want to end on a good note. I want to at least clear all that away.”

Lapis looked at her, blue eyes watering. “I just don’t get it. Why did you just leave like that? After everything we had, and then what happened with that girl –which, whatever, no one likes getting cheated on but it’s not the end of the world and our situation was fixable –but you didn’t stay to fix it. You just took off. I mean, I know the opportunity you got was amazing, and obviously I want what’s best for you, but you could’ve made some kind of effort. You can’t blame me for giving up, and I know eventually you called back but by then I was too angry to do anything.”

“You’re right. I was just . . . scared, really. I was too ashamed to face you after that, and I guess the city was an excuse. Leaving was the biggest mistake of my life, and you know what? I’d’ve taken you over the job by a mile, even then I would’ve, if I could’ve gotten over my stupid pride. Lapis, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright, Jasper,” said Lapis tiredly, “I kind of got –well, not exactly over it, but something like that.”

Jasper chewed her lip, eyes on the ground. “I uh, I hung out with Amethyst last night and she says you’ve been living with a girl named Peridot.”

“Yeah.”

“She said you guys are . . .”

Lapis ran one hand through her hair, still dyed the same gorgeous blue it had always been. “Me and Peridot are complicated. We’re not really dating though.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Listen, Jas, I don’t really know if we can get back together. I don’t know if that’s something we’re really ready for right now. Three years of silence. We can’t just bounce back from that like nothing ever happened.”

“I understand. But . . . you’re open to it?”

Lapis grinned, looking down. “Yeah. I’m open to it.”

Jasper returned the smile, and finished off her coffee before smashing up the cup and tossing it in a nearby trashcan. When she looked back at Lapis, she was giving her a peculiar look, and the smile hadn’t moved.

“What?”

“Nothing –I just had forgotten how much I missed you.”

Jasper felt herself blush, the warmth of blood rushing to her cheeks. It didn’t happen often, especially not since she’d left. She’d spoken truthfully when she’d said that no one had ever made her feel the way Lapis did. Nobody had that effect on her.

“Yeah, well, I missed you too.”

“What have you been up to in the past three years?”

“Uh, nothing really that interesting, I guess. Mostly just working, honestly.”

“I see,” said Lapis, tilting her head, “And what brought you back to Beach City?”

Jasper scratched the back of her neck awkwardly. “You. I just, after so long I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m just lucky it wasn’t too late.”

“Yeah, well, any later and it might’ve been,” Lapis muttered, and then, louder, “So what happened with your job then?”

“I quit.”

“Oh.”

“I had other priorities.”

“I see. So what are you going to do now?”

“Find something else, something closer I guess. Kind of just rolling with the flow for a while.”

Lapis nodded, taking a delicate sip from her hot chocolate, coming away with whipped cream on her upper lip. Jasper chuckled as she leaned forward to carefully wipe it away. Lapis froze, and looked down, her brown skin tinted by a faint shade of pink. Jasper coughed awkwardly as she wiped her hand off on her napkin.

Lapis licked her lips where the whipped cream had been, looking dazed. Jasper reflected, for a moment, how wonderful it was to see her lovely girl again. She let her eyes trail over bright blue hair, smooth brown skin, midnight blue eyes almost dark enough to be black (but no, they were blue, Jasper had spent enough time staring into them to know), her wide pink lips that occasionally, when Jasper was very lucky, pulled back to release an iridescent smile. Lapis was thin, but not to the point of being unhealthily skinny. She had soft hands with long, thin fingers that were crafted by God to make music. Lapis was gifted at any instrument she deigned to pick up, so Jasper knew this to be true.

She was lovely. Jasper still couldn’t believe she’d thrown it all away for some high-end job in an overcrowded, noisey city and a girl whose face she couldn’t even remember.

How lucky then, she was, that Lapis had the grace to allow her the opportunity to fix it. How lucky she was that Lapis was still soft for her, when she didn’t deserve it.

They sat there in silence for a short while. “It’s so strange,” Lapis said suddenly, “to see you again. I thought . . . I thought I was never going to see you again.” She said this without any malice. It was merely a statement.

“I’m sorry I ever made you think that I wouldn’t come back for you. I would’ve. I wanted to every day. If you’d’ve asked me, I’d’ve dropped everything in a heartbeat.”

Lapis looked into her eyes with a sad smile. “I didn’t know that then, and I’m starting to think that maybe you had to come to that decision on your own.”

Jasper nodded somberly. Lapis stood. “Listen, I’ve gotta get going, but I’d like to see you again soon.”

“Of course. When are you free?”

“Tomorrow? We could probably go down and walk the boardwalk if you want?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there.”

Jasper felt relief as Lapis stood and exited the coffee shop. She also felt the urge to go physically fight whoever Peridot was, but ultimately decided against it. That was not the proper way to handle things, and besides, Lapis said they weren’t dating anyway. They were ‘complicated’, which Jasper assumed meant more than friends but not official. ‘Complicated’ was manageable. ‘Complicated’ couldn’t hold a candle to four years of a loving relationship that had actually been building up to an engagement until she screwed everything up and they didn’t speak for three years.

Jasper was beginning to realize that she and Lapis were ‘complicated’ too.


	3. One Call Away

Peridot didn’t really know how to feel. She didn’t know how she felt. She knew she had become quite close with Lapis in the past few years. She knew they had a connection, and that she enjoyed the other girl’s company and wanted her attention.

Things had been going well, prior to Jasper’s return. They were beginning to acknowledge their romantic inclinations toward each other, carefully. They were always careful with each other; Peridot, because she was emotionally inarticulate and scared of commitment, Lapis because of the portfolio of issues her ex had left her with. Peridot couldn’t help feeling a certain dislike towards Jasper for all the damage she’d inflicted on Lapis. It wasn’t anything personal; she’d never met the girl, but Christ the damage she’d done.

But she’d heard the stories. Not so much from Lapis, but explanations from Amethyst (who she’d soon learned was Jasper’s younger sister, but who took no definite sides in the debacle) and Garnet as to what had gone down between them. From what she understood, they had formed a very deep bond. It was . . . intimidating to have her back around. It was worse knowing that Lapis was seeing her. Peridot, personally, couldn’t understand the concept of allowing someone who had treated you poorly back into your life, but she’d always been unsual.

It took her three days of this and a sit-down with Garnet for her to realize she was feeling jealousy. A stupid, worthless emotion, she decided immediately. One that only caused conflict, and one which she had no use for. Sure, she may be uncomfortable with Lapis seeing Jasper again, and she’d prefer for Lapis to spend her time with her, but it was Lapis’s life. Ultimately, it was none of Peridot’s business if she was seeing her ex again.

She was still trying to tell her emotions that. She was still feeling this poisonous jealousy.

”It’s okay to be having those kinds of feelings right now, Peridot. Nothing’s wrong with you, everyone would understand. Lapis would understand. It’s normal.”

But Peridot didn’t want that kind of weakness in her life. So she told herself she was just going to have to deal, and contented herself with the time she was still able to spend with Lapis. She’d also heard stories of Jasper’s possessiveness, and she was sure when they ended up getting back together, she’d be cut out of Lapis’s life. That thought actually scared her, but she tried not to dwell on it. It was unavoidable. Lapis hadn’t said one way or the other whether she was going to get back with Jasper, but Peridot knew she would. She knew Lapis too well to believe any different. She’d never seen her act the way she did when she got back from seeing Jasper.

And how could a truly good friend begrudge her that happiness? She couldn’t. First and foremost, she was Lapis’s friend, and she knew she owed it to her to at least pretend to be happy for her when it happened. She sighed as she plopped herself onto the couch, turning on the Xbox to drown her problems in a first-person-shooter.

Lapis returned home almost an hour later from the roller-skating rink. She’d gone with Jasper, and although she denied the claim that it was a date, she’d been with the other girl almost every day since her return to Beach City, and she always came back in a happy daze like she was a thousand miles away.

She never acted like that with her.

Stop it, she scolded herself. “How did it go?” she asked from her position on the couch, barely removing her eyes from the screen.

“Good. It was good.”

“That’s good.”

“Mhm.” She began distractedly humming a tune from a song that had been playing on the radio recently. Peridot ignored the sick feeling in her stomach. Since Lapis had begun seeing Jasper again, any hint of their previous states of affection towards each other had vanished, and they were back to being platonic (but still close) friends.

She concealed a sigh as Lapis went back to her room and Peridot shut down the console. She pulled out her phone, figuring maybe she could go hang out with Amethyst or something. Despite being Jasper’s little sister, she was very sympathetic to Peridot’s side of things, and they’d been spending more time together in the week since Jasper’s return.

"Hey, what are you up to currently?" Peridot asked.

"Just chillin, eatin some snacks, why?"

"Can I come over?"

"Yeah no prob"

"Be there in fifteen."

Peridot threw on shoes and grabbed her keys. “Lapis, I’m heading to Amethyst’s!”

“Alright! I’ll see you later!” came the response.

Amethyst was armed with a collection of Blu-Ray movies and a bag of chips when she got there. Feelings generally made Peridot uncomfortable, and Amethyst wasn’t gushy or sappy or anything most of the time. The only emotional person Peridot had ever, for some reason, been able to handle was Lapis. But that was besides the point.

Being with Amethyst was . . . comfortable. It was happy, and relaxing, and safe. They pretty much just stayed inside all day whenever they hung out, which worked best for both of them.

As Amethyst put in the first disc, it occurred to Peridot that Amethyst most definitely knew why she was there, she was just considerate enough not to bring it up again. They’d already discussed it, and that was that. Amethyst knew how Peridot was feeling, and Peridot knew Amethyst was there for her. She’d never been the type to pour her heart out.

By the time they’d finished the movies, it was around one in the morning, and Peridot was too tired to even stand up.

“It’s cool,” said Amethyst through a yawn, “Just crash here for the night.”

“Thanks, Ams,” she said, but by that point the other girl was already out on the other end of the couch. Peridot herself followed suit in her fatigue, and they woke up like that around eight hours later.

“Thanks for letting me stay here last night,” Peridot said as she put her shoes on after they’d found some cereal for breakfast, “but I need to be getting home.”

“Sure thing,” said Amethyst as she threw her dirty dishes in the sink. “You know I’m only one call away P-dot.”

When Peridot got home, Lapis was making toast in the kitchen. “Hey, did you stay at Amethyst’s last night?”

“Yeah, by the time I noticed how late it was I was too tired to drive home so I slept on the couch.”

Lapis nodded, humming to herself quietly. “I was just a little concerned when I woke up and realized you were still gone but I didn’t want to pester you about it.”

Peridot shrugged, blushing a little bit. “No, I probably should’ve let you know I wasn’t coming home. I could’ve been murdered for all you knew.”

Lapis giggled. “Well the possibility of that crossed my mind, and you are a bit small to take care of yourself, but I figured Amethyst would watch out for you.”

Peridot rolled her eyes, but smiled. “I could too defend myself in a hostile situation.”

“I’m just saying, don’t risk it.”

They sat like that in comfortable silence for awhile as Peridot scrolled through her dashboard and Lapis ate her breakfast. “Oh yeah, Per, I’m meeting up with Jasper later tonight so I won’t be home for dinner.”

In her head she said "What else is new?" But she realized how gross and petty that sounded so what she really said was “Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I just started back to school, so updates might become less frequent. I apologize in advance. also, keep in mind that when peridot references 'the damage jasper did' her perspective is skewed bc she's never met jasper and has feelings for lapis. that's not to say that jasper didn't do damage, just to say that peridot is mostly only aware of the negative aspect of their relationship, and reminder: these characters are meant to be flawed, almost all of them, excluding those that are barely in the story.


	4. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, it's been quite a long time. I would be amazed if anyone is still even following this but I've recently been reinspired so I'm posting the chapters I had written of this and planning to finish it. 
> 
> Anyways, this one's tough. A good song to listen would be relapse by Marc e. Bassy. It's definitely what I had in mind when I wrote this chapter two years ago.

Lapis knew that at some point in the past two weeks, their frequent (usually daily) meetings had turned into dates, and she was sure Jasper had too, but they hadn’t really been calling them that yet. And Lapis wasn’t sure if she was anywhere near ready to say that they were a couple again.

But God, it was just so effortless with Jasper. It was like slipping into your favorite pair of jeans; familiar, comfortable, and comforting. It was love.

She considered Peridot. Simple, easy, relaxed. It was comfortable too, but in a different way. In a safe way. She could live the rest of her life with Peridot if she wanted too, they were compatible enough. She liked her enough. A cute, awkward, silly girl who Lapis had spent the past three years leaning on.

Was it fair to just leave her like that after everything Peridot had done for her?

And was it fair to be with someone if you were still in love with someone else, if you didn’t know if you’d ever not be?

Her first impulse was to ask Garnet, but she already knew what Garnet would say. She’d already said it. Perhaps she was right.

But . . . it had taken Peridot so long and so much to actually open up back to Lapis, and from what she understood even that was a rare occasion. She didn’t often trust people, or let them in, or let herself become attached to them. How long would it take her to establish a bond like theirs again? And what if she hated Lapis for kicking her to the curb for her ex whom she’d spent so long crying over?

Lapis twisted her mouth in frustration, trying to find a conclusion that made her happy but didn’t hurt anyone she cared about.

And then, what if she was making a mistake by taking Jasper back? By letting her back in so quickly? She believed Jasper when she apologized, when she tried to explain, and she was mostly over the pain. In fact, Jasper was one of the few things that cured the pain she’d left behind. But what if, in a few years, Lapis caught her cheating again? She’d sworn it was a one-time thing, a drunken mistake that she’d regretted daily ever since, but how could one be sure?

“One can never be sure, Lapis,” Pearl said calmly as she ran a comb through Steven’s hair on one couch, the blue-haired girl on the other. Garnet was away for the day, and Lapis thought perhaps Pearl would have some pearls of wisdom to offer. “I was wary when Garnet and I first got together as well, and of course doubt is a vicious demon, but that’s why we have trust.”

“How do you trust someone once they’ve already broken it?”

Pearl contemplated this for a moment, but Steven seemed to have an answer. He stood up, ignoring Pearl’s protestations as the comb got stuck, and walked over to sit next to Lapis. “I think I get it,” he said slowly, “Jasper did something bad to you before she left, and you’re afraid she’ll do something again.”

Lapis nodded, he basically got the gist of it.

“See, Mom and Mama don’t get it because they’ve never done much damage to each other, so they’ve never had to forgive each other. But it’s not that hard, really. You just have to believe that Jasper loves you too much to do it again now that she knows how badly it hurt you.”

Lapis was often taken aback by Steven’s profound level of insight for a child his age, and this was no exception. She smiled. “I guess you’re right, kid,” she replied, ruffling his hair with her hand to elicit wild declarations of rage from Pearl.

“Do you two know how long it took me to get it untangled?”

They laughed together as Lapis headed back home.

Lapis was getting ready to meet Jasper for dinner. It would likely be their most formal outing since their reconnection, as they were going to a semi-fancy restaurant a little ways outside of Beach City. As such, she dressed in a black halter-top dress that fell just above her knees. She left her short blue hair loose, but decided to apply makeup. She spent a little while applying foundation and contouring and highlighting her features, before finishing off the look with a simple cut crease on her eyes.

Jasper herself didn’t really know how to do makeup, so she was always fascinated by the things Lapis could do with it. It was kind of cute.

Peridot was in her room, probably reading or playing a game on her phone or something. Peridot couldn’t cook if her life depended on it, so Lapis usually took care of that, but she’d have to order something tonight. She’d told her that morning when she returned from Amethyst’s that she’d be out for the night, so everything should be taken care of. As Jasper texted letting her know she was there to pick her up, she gave her appearance one last glance before sliding into a pair of black little heels with bows on them, and grabbing her purse.

“Peri, I’m heading out, be home later!” she called as she opened the door, to which she received a muffled “Alright!”

Lapis felt a slice of guilt as she walked down the steps. Was it throwing Jasper in Peridot’s face to be constantly going out with her like this and letting Peridot know about it? She hadn’t intended it that way but it occurred to her that it might feel like that to the other girl.

All thoughts of her green-eyed girl cleared her mind when she got in the car with Jasper, who was wearing a white button-up shirt and black dress pants with a blue tie. Half of her hair was drawn back into a ponytail and the rest was left free.

“We clean up nice, huh?” said Jasper, grinning at her from the driver’s side.

Lapis laughed lightly. “You could say that.”

The restaurant was gorgeous and sophisticated and Lapis felt slightly like a princess as Jasper led her inside. She got a few sideways glances for her choice of hair color, but other than that no one really looked twice at them, which Lapis breathed a sigh of relief at. Jasper had many strong qualities, but she didn’t really react well to confrontation. When it came to fight-or-flight Jasper was pure bulldoze, and she took protective to another level.

Luckily, the night passed by smoothly. Lapis talked to her about how Pearl, Garnet and Steven had been doing (Jasper hadn’t had the opportunity to drop by their place just yet) and Jasper talked about Amethyst. She’d kept in touch with Amethyst the past few years, but mostly talking to her was an awkward and painful reminder of her older sister, which for some reason ended in Peridot having a much closer relationship with her than Lapis had ever really had.

“I think she’s doing okay right now but she hasn’t really been seeing anyone since her last relationship, which was nearly a year ago, yanno? And you know Amethyst, she’s always just on to the next. Makes me think maybe the last one screwed her up a little bit, but I don’t know, they were together for less than a year.”

“I don’t know,” said Lapis thoughtfully, “Maybe there’s someone else?”

Jasper mulled it over. “Well, maybe, but I don’t see why she wouldn’t tell me.”

“I’m sure if something’s up she’ll tell you whenever she’s ready.”

Jasper shrugged. “Yeah, you’re probably right. She’s probably old enough now to sort things out on her own anyway.”

Amethyst had graduated college the previous year, and was just getting used to being on her own.

They moved on to other topics, random things, like whether Mayor Dewey was just as wild as he’d always been (he was) and whether Lars was still chasing the approval of Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny (and he was).

“Do you think he and Sadie’ll ever get together?”

Lapis shrugged. “I don’t really know. Me and Sadie talk sometimes but we’re not super close or anything, but I mean anyone with eyes can see the way they’ve been pining after each other since high school. We all know they’ve both dated other people, but she can’t just wait around forever, so who knows? She’s the type that wants to settle down and get married and he’s still growing out of caring what people think.”

“What I always found funny,” Jasper said, “is how it just makes him look worse to other people when he tries so hard.”

Lapis smiled, but in a strange way. “It’s a little bit sad, but I guess you have to let people learn on their own after a certain point, right?”

When Jasper dropped her off back at the loft, she walked her upstairs as she usually did, stopping in front of the door. “Uh, listen Lapis, I know that I’m kind of in a trial period right now, but I just wanted you to know that these past couple weeks of being back with you have felt like I’m finally able to breathe again, yanno? Like I was drowning but you’re my oxygen. I don’t know, I don’t wanna sound sappy, I just wanted you to know.”

Lapis paused, her cheeks coloring. Suddenly she threw her arms around Jasper. For the past couple weeks she’d been keeping her, literally speaking, at arm’s length, but she really couldn’t handle it anymore; she had to be in Jasper’s arms again, even if it was just momentarily. Jasper took a moment to respond, but she finally returned the hug, nearly squeezing the life out of Lapis in the process.

When Lapis finally pulled back, she was nearly in tears. “You can be very sweet when you want to be, you know that?”

Jasper laughed nervously. “Goodnight, Lapis.”

“Night, Jasper.”

When she got back inside, she was caught off guard by the sight of Peridot sleeping on the couch, a Netflix movie playing softly in the background. Her light brown skin was illuminated by the light from the screen, and she looked calmer and more comfortable than Lapis usually saw her.

Peridot was pretty, that couldn’t be denied. She had thick brown hair and angled features; a ski-slope nose, full dark pink lips, and green eyes which were currently covered by her long eyelashes.

“My Peridot,” she murmured quietly. She shook her head.

She had a decision to make, and it was quite simple when it came down to it.

Peridot, or Jasper?

She picked Peridot’s glasses up from where they’d fallen to the floor off her face, folding them with care and placing them on the coffee table. Lightly, she reached out a hand to lightly run her fingertips across Peridot’s smooth features. Peridot slept like the dead, so she knew she wouldn’t wake up. Lapis had been holding herself back from any kind of affectionate behavior towards Peridot; she didn’t want Peridot to think she was stringing her along when Lapis already knew she was leaning towards Jasper.

Lapis hummed to herself, shaking her head. She was about to fall off the wagon. She was about to cave. And why shouldn’t she? Sure, it had only been a couple of weeks, but they had been together for four years at one point. What difference does the time make if you know? She considered all the pain Jasper had caused her. Were they ready to get back together? Lapis hadn’t thought so initially, but now? Now she was caught in the haze. Now, she was certain. 

Jasper was addictive; all Lapis wanted was more, more, more. 

She made an impulse decision, something she hadn’t allowed herself to do in years. She stood, slowly. She looked at sleeping Peridot. Sweet, funny, awkward Peridot. 

Peridot would be fine. 

She went to her own room and texted Jasper. “We’re getting back together.” It wasn’t a question, it was an answer. 

"Wonderful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weird comment, but I dislike writing texts in quotation marks, but I was having trouble w formatting and italics on ao3


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